my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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