I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
