i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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