This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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