I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
