I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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