Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
