You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
