She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
