so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
