dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
