It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
