about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
