I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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