I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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