i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
