Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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