He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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