I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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