literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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