This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
