If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
