Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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