I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
