The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
