Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize