You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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