What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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