Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
