i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
