I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
