why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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