rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize