Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
