just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
