I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There's even glitter on my cock...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Come on in and take your pants off
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