they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
