I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
