This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
