sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
