my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
