i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
