my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
whose parrot is this?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
