Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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