you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
