I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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