Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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