she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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