found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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