just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize