I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
