I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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