Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
