dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize