My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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