bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
