no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
