There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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