She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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