really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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